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TOEFL Independent task (3)_230619

YULSIGN 2023. 6. 19. 17:16

Question: Some people believe that when busy parents do not have a lot of time to spend with their children, the best use of that time is to have fun playing games or sports. Others believe that it is best to use that time doing things together that are related to schoolwork. Which do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

 

My answer:

Some people think that parents should use that time doing things together that are related to schoolwork. However, I strongly believe that it is better to use that time with having fun playing games or sports. And there are two essential reasons which I will examine in this essay.

First, playing games or sports could elevate childrens' essential ability to be an adult. For example, It is needless to say that sports is very helpful to children for their physical growing. Also, playing games will teach their communication skills and companionship with their peers. In addition, through these activities, children can relieve stress from school work and learn how to balance between study and entertainment. Consequently, It can help children improve their ability in multi-perspective before getting old.

Second, playing games or sports with children could help parents make positive relationship with them. If they just ask their child to review the schoolwork, children could not be refreshed at all and think of their parents as the one similar to their teacher in school. However, if they play something different from school together, children are willing to spend more time with their parents with ease like their friends. In fact, recent studies have shown that those who are trying to spend time with extracurricular like sports or game with their children have recorded higher score in terms of affinity than those who emphasizes schoolwork.

In conclusion, I am of the opinion that parents should spend time with having fun playing games or sports rather that school work because children could hone abilities in multi-perspective and stay positive relationship with their parents.

 

 

Evaluate: 

Your essay provides a clear and strong argument supporting the viewpoint that parents should engage in fun, recreational activities such as sports and games with their children.

Here is how I would grade your essay according to TOEFL Writing test guidelines:

Task Achievement: 4.0 out of 5.0
You present a clear position and provide some strong reasons to support it. However, the reasons could have been more elaborated.

 

Coherence and Cohesion: 4.5 out of 5.0
Your essay is logically organized with clear paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion. Transitions between sentences and paragraphs are used appropriately, although there are a few instances where cohesion could be improved.

 

Lexical Resource: 4.0 out of 5.0
You use a range of vocabulary appropriately, but there are some instances of repeated vocabulary. Try to use more varied language.

 

Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 4.0 out of 5.0
You demonstrate a good control of a variety of grammatical structures. There are some minor grammatical mistakes and typographical errors that could be avoided with careful proofreading.

 

Here are some specific feedback:
There are a few minor grammatical errors in your essay. For example, "parents should use that time doing things together that are related to schoolwork" would be better written as "parents should use that time to do things together related to schoolwork."

Try to provide concrete examples to support your arguments. You could give personal anecdotes or hypothetical situations to illustrate your points more vividly.

Make sure to proofread your work to eliminate any typos or minor errors.

You may want to consider varying your vocabulary more to avoid repetition. For example, instead of using "play" and "playing" multiple times, you could use synonyms like "engage in," "participate in," or "enjoy."

Finally, it would enhance your argument to address potential counter-arguments. This shows a comprehensive understanding of the topic and strengthens your position.

Keep practicing and refining your writing skills. You are on the right track!

 

Re-writing (1)

While some individuals may argue that parents, when short on time, should engage in school-related activities with their children, I firmly maintain that it is more beneficial to partake in fun, recreational activities such as games or sports. There are two key reasons supporting this perspective which I will detail in this essay.

Initially, games and sports can significantly contribute to a child's holistic development, shaping them into well-rounded adults. Without a doubt, physical activities boost children's physical growth and health. Moreover, games foster communication skills and instill a sense of teamwork among peers. By participating in these pursuits, children can alleviate stress derived from academic work, and importantly, learn to strike a balance between studies and leisure. As a result, these activities can aid children in developing multifaceted skills from an early age.

Secondly, engaging in leisure activities alongside their children enables parents to build a more positive bond with them. If parents solely focus on reviewing academic tasks with their children, it might stifle the child's relaxation time and potentially create an atmosphere akin to school. On the contrary, if parents and children partake in recreational activities together, it fosters a friendlier, more relaxed environment. This increases the child's willingness to spend time with their parents. In fact, recent studies indicate that parents who invest time in extracurricular activities such as games or sports with their children have higher levels of affinity compared to those who only focus on academic work.

In summary, I firmly believe that parents should prioritize engaging in recreational activities like games or sports with their children rather than concentrating solely on academic tasks. This approach not only encourages children to develop diverse skills but also promotes a positive relationship between parents and children.