1. Question: Some people think that it is good for children to do homework or organized activities after school (or during free time). Other people think that it is good for children to do what they want to do. Which opinion do you think is better?
2. My answer:
This is the intersting question. I believe that it is better for children do homework or organized activites after school. I feel this way for three reasons which I will examine in this essay.
Before begining my essay, I will presume that doing homework or organized activites for children will happen in school and supported from school.
Firstly, children can enforce their knowledge of what they learned in school through doing homework or extended activities in school. Recently, there are a lot of alluring things which could distract their concentration like social media and youtube. it makes them very hard to review what they learned from school. If we let them to do what they want, they probably spend their time with instaneous and less meaningful things.
Secondly, My choice will be less burdening to their parents. if children are allowed to do something after school, it means their parents will be also responsilbe for their activities. However, there are many households in which both parents work during the daytime. For this household, the opposite choice could be very challenging for their parents as to care their children.
Lastly, letting children do their activity in school could strengthen their relationship with their folks. Most of regular time in school, students have to listen or study certain subject. That meanse, there is less chance to interact with their collegues in school. If they do activities in school, they will more get along with their friends.
In these reasons, I am the opinion that children should do homework or organized activities which should be supported from school.
3. Feedback
TOEFL independent writing is graded on a 5-point scale as follows:
Task fulfillment and organization
Grammar usage
Vocabulary usage
Coherence and cohesion
Here's my evaluation:
Task fulfillment and organization (4/5): You have clearly stated your position and have organized your essay well. Each paragraph focuses on one reason, which is good. However, you could make your introduction more engaging and the conclusion more comprehensive.
Grammar usage (3.5/5): There are a few grammar errors, such as incorrect verb forms ("enforce" instead of "reinforce") and articles missing or incorrectly used ("My choice will be less burdening to their parents" should be "My choice will be less burdensome for parents").
Vocabulary usage (3.5/5): Your vocabulary is fairly diverse but you have misused a few words. For instance, "instaneous" is not a word and "collegues" should be "colleagues". Additionally, "folks" is informal and would be better replaced with "peers" or "classmates".
Coherence and cohesion (4/5): Your arguments are logically structured and the progression from one point to the next is smooth. However, your transitions between sentences could be more varied and sophisticated.
Total: 15/20
Suggestions for improvement:
Proofread your essay to check for and correct grammar errors.
Be careful with word choice and make sure you are using words correctly. Use a dictionary if you're unsure.
Make your introduction more engaging and your conclusion more comprehensive. In the conclusion, you should restate your main points and your position.
Try to use more varied and sophisticated transitions between sentences to improve the flow of your essay.
4. Certainly, here's a revision of your essay:
This question raises a compelling debate. I firmly believe that it is more beneficial for children to engage in homework or organized activities after school. My stance is based on three main reasons, which I will expound upon in this essay.
To begin, I would like to clarify that I presume the completion of homework or participation in organized activities takes place at school, under the school's guidance and supervision.
Firstly, completing homework or participating in extended activities at school allows children to reinforce their understanding of the lessons taught during school hours. Nowadays, numerous distractions, such as social media and video-sharing platforms like YouTube, can hinder children's focus on academic review. If we allow children complete freedom in their leisure time, they are likely to gravitate towards these instant gratification activities, which hold little long-term value.
Secondly, directing children's after-school activities can alleviate pressure on parents. When children are permitted to do as they please after school, parents inevitably bear the responsibility for their activities. In many families, both parents work during the day, making it challenging to oversee their children's activities. Thus, organized school activities can ease this burden.
Lastly, engaging children in after-school activities within the school environment can foster stronger relationships among peers. During regular school hours, students predominantly focus on listening to lectures or studying individual subjects, leaving little room for social interaction. Participating in activities within the school context allows them to interact more, thereby strengthening their bonds.
For these reasons, I am of the opinion that children should engage in homework or organized activities facilitated by their schools after regular school hours."